i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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