Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
