I wish i was in the wii world.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
