She's JV to your varsity
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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