how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
