Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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