one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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