I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
