Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
