she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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