hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
