last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
