At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It's never too late to be topless.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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