I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.