Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.