dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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