She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
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there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
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I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"