dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
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The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I can't put those talents on a resume
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.