a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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