My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4