haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog