don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves