hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
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I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
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Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.