i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
