I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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