who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
