Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
