Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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