Only a mothe r could love this liver
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
