i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
