Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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