wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
