Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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