We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
