Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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