dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
