mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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