Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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