she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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