I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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