i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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