So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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