break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
