Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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