I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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