woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Drunk is not a location!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
