take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
