I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
