I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
