I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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