I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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