holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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