So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
