some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
