apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
