finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
