I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
