Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize