make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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