sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
