i just sent this text using only my big toe
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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