Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.